Captain Jack Sparrow understands CMU carnival

This weekend is CMU carnival, or the only weekend of the years when CMU feels like a normal school. After waking up and surfing the web this morning, I realized the one person who understands CMU carnival is captain Jack Sparrow.

Happy carnival, CMU!

Smutty fanfiction: Read by Lord Voldemort Himself

This? This is one of the best things that has come into existence. I know that the MuggleNet podcast had some smutty fanfiction reading from time to time, but I don’t think they ever got Ralph Fiennes to read some. It’s a regrettably short clip, but whether you’re snowed in in the Northeast/Midwest or in the south with the GOP running rampant, Ralph Fiennes can make your day with some quality, dramatic smut.

Edit: videos? They hate wordpress. Here is a link.

Are you worried that your waist isn’t narrower than your head?

I present without commentary:

Fotoshop by Adobé from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.


VOICEOVER. Introducing the next revolution in beauty. Get ready to experience a whole new you.

REDHEADED MODEL: It’s you, perfected.

VO. Say goodbye to fine lines and wrinkles and hello to full lips, sparkling eyes, and lashes that never end. And that’s just the beginning.

Transform your look the way celebrities do with this beauty industry secret that’s now available for the first time ever.

Introducing Fotoshop by Adobe. Finally look the way you’ve always dreamed. The difference is clear. Just one application of Fotoshop can give you results so dramatic, they’re almost unreal…istic.

Use Healing Brush to target blemishes at their source by simply erasing them. Pro-pixel intensifying fauxtanical hydro-jargon microbead extract infused with nutritive volumizing technology will leave your face virtually unrecognizable.

REDHEAD. My skin feels like plastic!

VO. Take control of your color with Hue/Saturation. Use this breakthrough formula to change hair or skin color, brighten eyes, whiten teeth, or even adjust your race.

Tired of fighting with your shape? Wish you could be a total knockout? Dial in the perfect you with Liquify. Reshape your body without the expense–and mess–of surgery. Why eat healthy and exercise when you can just look like you do? And the best part is…

BOXING MODEL: It won’t rub off.

VO. The results don’t lie. Pictures like this are all Fotoshopped. The celebrity beauty secret used in virtually every major magazine is now available to you. You don’t have to rely on a healthy body image or self-respect anymore.

BRUNETTE MODEL: Now that’s the power of Fotoshop.

VO. There’s only one way to look like a real cover girl: Fotoshop by Adobe.

WHISPERY VOICE. Maybe she’s born with it.

VO. No, I’m pretty sure it’s Fotoshop.

Fact: the Cambrian sea was both awesome and terrifying

I found a reconstruction video of Anomalocaris. Yes, that Anomalocaris. If this creature was anything like its CGI recreation, it is proof that Lovecrafian horrors did exist upon our planet. This creature fascinates and terrifies me, which is the story of my life. I love it! But it’s terrible! Behold:

Here’s a bonus video on the Cambrian explosion:

This is another, older article about the creatures that used to inhabit our oceans. Lobopodians are ‘worms with legs.’ Because I really LOVE what happens when worms have billions of legs.

It looks like a cactus, but it could probably kill you.

Worms + Legs = NIghtmare fuel

“Science is true.” -Bill Nye

I’m browsing around the ‘end of the year’ lists, even if I never intend to write one myself. I like lists, don’t get me wrong, but I’ll make lists another time when people aren’t saturated with list reading. But here, from the 45 Worst Fox News Headlines, comes this awesome video of Bill Nye talking about evidence of volcanoes on the moon. To maximize your viewing pleasure, pay attention to his face from :30 to :38 at and his analogy at 1:38. Also, he says, at :50 “Science is true.”

Also, because space and Bill Nye are awesome, here is the “Our Future in Space” panel from TAM2011.

Newt Gingrich would like to make the movie “Moon” into real life

I’m at least thrilled that Gingrich has one policy idea that I could fully embrace. He wants start “a massive new program to build a permanent lunar colony to exploit the Moon’s resources.” He has suggested that “a mirror system in space could provide the light equivalent of many full moons so that there would be no need for nighttime lighting of the highways.”

That’s right, New Gingrich wants to make the movie “Moon” into reality. What? You haven’t seen this movie? Here is the IMDb plot:

With only three weeks left in his three year contract, Sam Bell is getting anxious to finally return to Earth. He is the only occupant of a Moon-based manufacturing facility along with his computer and assistant, GERTY. The long period of time alone however has resulted in him talking to himself for the most part, or to his plants. Direct communication with Earth is not possible due to a long-standing communication malfunction but he does get an occasional message from his wife Tess. When he has an accident however, he wakens to find that he is not alone. He also comes to realize that his world is not what he thought it was.

Here’s the trailer!

The movie really is good, so go watch it! But let’s also discuss Gingrich’s idea to make this future of a Moon powered earth into a reality. I would support that he goes the entire way into adding clones to the mixture. Mr. Gingrich, I will fully support your effort to clone humans and send them to the moon to send power back to earth. This is one diutopian future you and I can agree upon. And here ends the list of things Newt Gingrich and I agree about.